Powdered Toast Where Art Thou
by Random Guise
Summary: Dietary restrictions are the culprit for the latest challenge to Powdered Toast Man from the Ren & Stimpy Show. How will it affect those citizens he attempts to protect? I don't own these characters but I have listened to Heywood Banks' song "Toast".


**A/N: A closer look at one of the minor characters from the Ren & Stimpy Show.**

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Powdered Toast Where Art Thou

Stimpson J. Cat opened his kitchen cupboard and stared at the contents. It was the last cupboard to be opened, and looked much like all the others. Shelves were stocked full of cat food, cement, dog food, cups and plates, dynamite and all the other things one expects to find in a kitchen. One shelf however was quite barren and the lack of anything made it sparkle in the light.

"Hey Ren, still no Powdered Toast" he declared.

"Of course Stimpy, you don't think the Powdered Toast Fairy was going to fill up the shelf did you? You have to go to the toast store like everyone else" Ren Höek explained to his roommate with confidence. "Really, it's too bad I have to do all the thinking for you. Good thing I'm kind to idiots."

"But Ren, the toast store still doesn't have any either."

Ren's smirk froze, then his jaw hit the floor. After picking it up and sticking it back in his head, he asked "Out?"

"Yeah, all they had was regular toast and some imported breakfast toast from France."

"N-n-n-no powdered toast? Quick, better turn on the TV and we'll find out what's wrong for sure. They always have the problem on when we turn on the news." He hurried over to the television and pushed the power button to pull up the broadcast.

"...and that's the latest on powdered toast. Now to Sylvia with the weather after a word from the makers of Log" the TV blared.

"What?! That never happens; turn on the radio Stimpy!" The cat reached over and turned on an old Crosby, which took a moment for the tubes to warm up.

"Come on, come on!" pleaded Ren.

The radio came to life with "...and thank you Professor Horse for explaining the lack of powdered toast in such simple language even an animal could understand. Now we move on to our traffic report with Ace Johnson."

Stimpy stared dumbly at the radio. "What did he mean by that?"

Ren was starting to hyperventilate as his Chihuahua body trembled . "The paper...I need the newspaper!"

"Uh...I used it" Stimpy mumbled, blushing as he pointed to the cat box.

Ren dashed to the front door and threw it open, screaming "WHAT HAPPENED TO THE POWDERED TOAST?"

...

Meanwhile, across town that very subject was being discussed in the office of Dr. Klench Sphinctem, a specialist in the treatment of the well-off. He was consulting his latest patient Pastor Toastman, who happened to be a cool youth deacon of a local church. Little did the doctor know that the pastor was in fact the alias of superhero Powdered Toastman.

"So Pastor, I have the test results here. Your blood tests came back; you don't have any. The urine analysis gave us results that were, quite frankly, disgusting. However, I think we found your problem with the skin test."

"You found the reason for my rash, nausea and shortness of breath? That's great news! Just tell me what I need to do and leave everything to me!" the patient enthused.

"That's what I like, a patient eager to recover. Okay, you have an allergy to gluten. All you have to do is avoid eating or having contact with gluten and your symptoms should disappear" the doctor directed as he made some notes in the patient's chart.

"Toasterific! So I just need to stay away from glue and everything will be fine."

"No, not glue...gluten. You know: wheat, oats, barley and rye."

"Ohhhh kayyyyy" the patient drew out. "Wait; don't they make bread out of those things?"

"Most of the bread out there, yes" the doctor informed him.

The pastor began to tremble slightly. "What about hyper-corrosive croutons?"

"Hyper-corrosive? You mean like Powdered Toastman shoots? Of course even a higher percentage of croutons than breads are made out of wheat, I'd say. His high-velocity raisin attack would still be okay, they're mostly sugars. But for you, anything wheat has to go."

The pastor fainted.

...

"Ren, Ren! It's back" Stimply yelled as he rushed in through the front door, shattering the quiet of the morning.

"Whatever it is, I hope you take it back outside with you" the dog replied as he continued trying to read the paper.

"No Ren, it's _powdered toast_!"

"Powdered toast? What are you standing there for, fool! Shake me out some on the table right now" he said as he sprang out of his reading chair and materialized at the kitchen table. Stimpy, now in apron, leaped to the table and shook out some in front of Ren. Ren waited in anticipation for it to form into a slice of toast, but the pile of particles just lay in a pile, and continued to be a pile. Carefully, he used a nearby spoon and took a taste, chewing it slowly before finally spitting it out.

"That's not powdered toast!" he yelled. "It tastes _worse_ than sawdust, and it just lays there too."

"Aww, sure it is...it says so on the can" Stimpy insisted. Ren grabbed the can to inspect it.

"You fool! This is new and improved, now 'gluten-free'. They've even taken vitamin F out of it."

"What does that mean, Ren?"

"It means the can is going to taste better than what's inside" Ren said dejectedly. Shrugging, Stimpy tore the can in half and dumped the contents on the table before offering one of the two ends to Ren. The chihuahua grabbed the shaker end and popped it in his mouth while Stimpy did the same with the bottom.

"Needs salt" Ren said between chews.

The End

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 **A/N: Yes, I've got the DVD set on my shelf at home. I never even heard of this show until a friend at work told me about it and I had to see it for myself.**

 **As for gluten, I live in a mostly gluten-free household and I've had some _nasty_ gluten-free pizza in the past. *Blech***


End file.
